Show not tell

I'm editting "Midsummer Knight's Quest" for the manyeth time, and although I set out to merely align the pages correctly and so forth, I have started editting parts of it again.

Take for example, this passage:

Dirk awoke to find himself stark naked, bound wrist to ankle and in some sort of spherical metal tub. To make matters worse, a demented dog-ape was attempting to force an apple down his throat. His head throbbed and his nostrils burned with the stink of smoke. The hideous face loomed closer, round piggy eyes buried amongst rolls of saggy flesh. Between its naked floppy ears rested a stained cook’s hat and about its swollen body was wrapped a plastic apron, declaring to the world the frightening request: “Kiss the Cook.”

Well, I decided that it was just a wee bit blah, needed spicing up a bit, and thus I rewrote it:

Dirk woke in smoky gloom. Something was pressing against his mouth, something cool and solid. He was hot, so hot, and his head burned with pain. Struggling to uncurl himself, he found he couldn't. His hands and feet were bound. Together. He struggled, feeling his fingers brush against his flesh. I'm naked, he realised. No, not quite, they've left my underwear and socks. Where am I? His back butted against a curving metal wall. It was warm to the touch. Warm, but getting hotter.

I'm in a gigantic pot! He realised, struggling harder.. Something's trying to cook me alive!

“Calm down, din-dins,” came a guttural, male voice and Dirk looked up into the hideous face of a demented dog-ape. It leered doan at him, round piggy eyes buried amongst rolls of saggy flesh. Between its naked floppy ears rested a stained cook’s hat and about its swollen body was wrapped a plastic apron, declaring to the world the frightening request: “Kiss the Cook.”

And this is how you improve your wordcount!
And also why I may never get this jolly book finished...

NaNoWriMo 2011, Day 28

Wordcount: 3,135

But it's on the wrong story!
I have officially given up on my Lemur NaNo novel. Why? Because for one thing, I shall have to delete much of it and I need to conceptualise what is actually going to happen with the plot. It's not going anywhere, it needs to be dragged back on target.

So, instead I am adding in a few bits of "foreshadowing" to MKQ. And proof-reading it on my kindle.

I have already discovered:
~ contradicting previous assertions made on goblins and faeries in general - twice
~ changed a character's name without realising (fixed)

And am also wondering if I should foreshadow the terrible chefs - Rumpel and Stiltskin, or leave them as a (not too) pleasant surprise.

NaNoWriMo 2011, Day 25 - COMPLETED

As I have now attained my goal of 50k words, although my novel is far from finished, I think I may give it a break for today and concetrate instead on some art, or maybe editting "Midsummer Knight's Quest". You see - this year instead of a free proof copy - Createspace are giving away 5 copies of an actual published book (but you have to pay postage). Since it will need to be used by June and there is no way in hades that I will have "Lemurs: A Saga" publishable by than (heck, it probably won't even be finished), I could use it to buy 5 more copies of "Aroha's Grand Adventure" - but I'm already sitting on 5 copies that I'm trying to sell (want it? $20 each + postage and it will be autographed), I've decided to finally finish up Hemlock's story.

"Midsummer Knight" needs a fair bit of tweaking - namely I need to do a bunch of illustrations again, thanks to Aurora becoming Mystery and changing species from a sunbittern to a bush stone-curlew. I might even need to redo the cover, although I rather like it the way it was. And I've done a little editting to fit in Mystery over Aurora.

Here's the new cover:

I am hoping it WILL have the title on the spine, once I get the story itself uploaded.

Midsummer Knight's Quest

Currently the novel is in the process of being editted, but here are some illustrations of the characters I rustled up recently:

Hemlock in juvenile and adult form.


Butterscotch the brownie


Stoatbane, the pixie warrior

Gruff, the Troll

SocNoc - the Countdown...

SocNoc starts tomorrow. The Southern Cross novel challenge. Anyhow, at present I am working on three books:

1. Aroha's Grand Adventure - currently being proof-read by others (should be released in July/August)

2. Midsummer Knight's Quest - onto its final edit (hopefully available by Christmas)

3. Untitled Lemur Epic - in progress/conceptualising

The last few weeks I have been finishing up most outstanding art trades and swap cards and also editting "Midsummer Knight's Quest". In the act of doing this, I have been turning some of the show to tell. Tonight as a warm-up for what I shall be doing tomorrow, I wrote 1283 words, give or take.

Compare:

Original prose - Tell
It was the pixies that Hemlock liked best, however. These fierce little creatures looked a little like teeny, fuzzy giants but for their short legs, extremely long arms and sharp, pointy fangs. They decorated their fur with swirls and spots, stripes, spirals and stylised animals, braiding animal bones into their shaggy manes. Their clothing comprised of stitched animal skins and their hats made from the heads of weasels or small rodents. They hunted their prey with spears and slingshots and after some pleading (and a bribe of chocolate-chip muffins) they taught Hemlock not only how to sling stones, but also how to make his sling. To his surprise, the goblin proved to be a decent shot, striking his target nine times out of ten.

Revised Prose - Show (extract)
Relieved, Hemlock dropped the bundle. It had not been heavy, but it had been awkward.

Butterscotch untied the knot and opened it out. “I've brought scones,” she shouted, “in payment.”

For a moment nothing happened, then the trees began to twitch. Cat-shaped eyes apppeared, staring down at them. Several lanky figures dropped from the trees, snatched up a scone and sprang back up. Soon all the scones had vanished, but one of the figures remained.
“Hail goblin,” said the creature. It was another faery. Although no taller than Butterscotch, he was much rangier. His lean, muscled body was covered in fine golden hair. This was decorated with swirls and spots. He leaned forward to sniff Hemlock, broad nostrils flaring. The bones braided into his golden mane clinked together. Hemlock sniffed him back. He smelt feral – of blood, sweat and ill-cured leather. The latter wafted from his clothing - straps of animal pelt stitched together with sinew.

Big Bunch of Hemlock

I have been collecting artistic renditions of several of my characters, encouraging people to work off of a written description. My faovourite to request at present is Hemlock the goblin.

Here is the description I have been giving people:
"Standing no more than ten inches tall, he rather resembled an upright, naked rat with a pot-belly. His back was hunched, his legs bowed. Dull grey-green scales covered his body. A red tongue flicked across gleaming white teeth." He has spines running down his back and a three-pronged fork at the end of his tail.

And here are the ones I have collected so far:

-

Cards are by:
Kreationkween, Captnklaus, HmmNBird , Ncalkins ("adult" form)
Icekat, Silverhermit, Meow2000, Miss
Moonfairy, Al Fresco Girl, Merlinprincess, Bubblecup

And I have a couple of cards to share:

The final of my "Reading Group" cards for this round - "The Ship that Flew".

And Menanna, a Native American mermaid inspired by this tale here

It's the one-man Gnome Band!

This little guy with his cricket accompanist is a printed and coloured in version of one of the illustrations for my novel "Midsummer Knight's Quest". It is somewhat inspired by the nifty band Ritual. I imagine he sounds a little like them. If you haven't heard them, I seriously suggest you check them out. Their album "Hemulic Voluntary Band" is inspired by the Mooman books!